So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
