I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
