I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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