I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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