Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
it glows. i had to have it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
