With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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