I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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