Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
