shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
