Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
