so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
