It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
