Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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