dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
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I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
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Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize