i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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