he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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