I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He did a backflip because drugs
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
