I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
