In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
