You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
