I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
