I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
