Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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