you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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