I have demons in me.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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