Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
