She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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