The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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