I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
