tell your sister to shave her snatch
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.