Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
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According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
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Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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