Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
