this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
