just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i think we sleep fucked last night...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
