I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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