update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
