YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
