how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
