this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
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you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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