Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
