when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
