Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
