I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
