I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
a search helicopter?!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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