Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
