How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
