Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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