Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.