All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.