Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
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relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
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This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this