I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
