I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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