someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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