Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
