Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
