I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
