We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
