Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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